II. Second And Ten

[jkmoreno]

Recently, I got invited to see Zombieland with some friends, along with some of the wonderfully awesome people responsible for the Halloween Haunt at California's Great America. If you're local, then you probably know what I mean. If you're not or you don't, go here. Afterwards, we adjourned to a residence and enjoyed telling stories by the fire. Most of them were of other haunted house experiences, and it hit me how much Twilightmania hit when more than one of them had a story where a vampire character was compared to Edward Cullen, or asked if they sparkled in the sun, or what not, and there was more than one discussion about the Twilight Saga's less endearing points.

It makes me wonder if anyone ever thought of trying to do some sort of YouTube parody that pit Twilightmania against Pottermania. Or better yet, against Hulkamania. I guess you're stuck with me until someone else does that, so here I'll bring another installment of something that's not nearly as awesome as Zombieland. The first offering got stopped at the line of scrimmage, so let's see if some yardage can be gained here.

CHAPTER TWO: STITCHES (My Title: That's Doctor Carlisle Cullen To You!)

What did we learn last time? Bella loves Edward, Edward loves Bella, and they're both a couple of melodramatic gobshytes.

Okay, no, that's being mean. I really shouldn't call them gobshytes just because they're melodramatic, but so far they haven't given me anything to work with. Anyhow, where we left off last time, Bella got a paper cut, which caused Edward to flip out and shove Bella into and over a table full of glass objects while Jasper also flips out and needs to be held back by Emmett as if this were some sort of schoolyard fight that needed to be broken up. Oh, and the paper cut is taken care of by the fact that Bella now has a bunch of broken glass in her arm causing her to bleed much more than the one tiny drop that set Jasper off, so now instead of one vampire looking at Bella as if she were a turkey dinner with all the trimmings, we have six.

Thankfully, there were seven vampires in the room. Sadly Miss Meyer was unable to sign real vampire superstars like Count von Count or Count Chocula to put in an appearance, but thankfully Carlisle steps up to the plate big time here and ties the game in one swing of the bat. In contrast to the whole lot of flowery exposition that accomplished pretty much nothing in the first chapter, the first two pages show Carlisle demonstrating that he's immune to the super pheromones in Bella's blood, getting Emmett and Rosalie to get Jasper the hell out of the house, putting a tourniquet on Bella, and prepping for surgery since Bella would rather he treat the wounds at the house rather than go to the hospital and have it get back to Charlie. Let me reiterate: he did all that in two pages!

In that same span of time, Edward was basically doing a good impression of the Microsoft Windows Blue Screen of Death. To his credit, he was protecting Bella from Jasper's epic blood hunger, but he initially wouldn't even let Carlisle go by. Of course, there is that whole matter of the fact that Edward kinda reacted to the paper cut by shoving Bella into a pile of glass, but we'll give him the benefit and say he lost his head. Eventually, at prompting from Bella, Carlisle, and Alice, Edward leaves to go try and calm Jasper down. Alice leaves just as Carlisle is beginning to remove glass from Bella's arm, and doctor and patient are now alone.

What follows is a good conversation between Carlisle and Bella, with the surgery being such a backdrop for it that you almost don't notice it happening. I actually had to go back and look again because it literally seemed Carlisle had gone from taking out glass to covering the wounds with gauze, but there was more to it. The conversation was just covering it, serving the dual purpose of keeping Bella's focus off of it so she wouldn't be queasy, and keeping the reader's focus off of it so we could enjoy Carlisle's story, which really is very, very good. It takes the ball Carlisle picked up and made a spectacular run with in the beginning of the chapter, and just runs on and on like Forrest Gump. I kid you not, I was so impressed with this that I'm not entirely sure that the first chapter wasn't intentionally sucky just to make this look awesome by comparison.

What really stands out is that Carlisle's world view is not only comprehensive, but encompassing. In explaining how he can resist the temptation of Bella's blood, how he enjoys his work, and how he appreciates the fact that his enhanced abilities as a vampire allow him to do it that much better, Bella actually seems to think and understand, making it the first time I can recall that the possibility of non-Edward-related thoughts could exist within her mind. It doesn't last very long, as Bella begins to ask him questions relating to the discussion she had with Edward earlier in the day, but you can clearly see that Carlisle brought something more out of her, which gives her a little bit of credibility that at this point in the game saves me from writing her off completely.

Carlisle then continues to impress by giving Bella some even more direly needed food for thought regarding Bella's desire for Edward to change her into a vampire. As Carlisle explains it, Edward believes that vampires have no souls, though Carlisle and Bella both believe otherwise. Then Carlisle puts it in perspective by saying "But if I believed as he does ... if you believed as he did. Could you take away his soul?"

That right there demonstrates that Carlisle at least knows probably the best and easiest way to really make Bella think about something. Specifically, by putting it in the only terms she seems to care to understand: Edward. Like the barely-legal adult she is now, Bella maintains a bit of stubbornness, even going as far as to imply that Carlisle could change her, but Carlisle deflects it good-naturedly and rightly, in my opinion, says that that is something that she and Edward should work out for themselves. I swear, so far the only point I could even have against this guy is that, like the other vampires, he's an impossibly good-looking sparkly bish of man, but thus far he's proving such an enjoyable character to read that I can overlook it. It helps that Bella is not emphasizing his looks nearly as much as she does in regards to Edward.

Speaking of which, next on the menu is the story of Edward's past and how he came to be changed into a vampire by Carlisle. This is what I mean by Carlisle's encompassing world view. From him, we get very valuable insight into his character, much-needed fleshing-out of Edward's, and proof that Bella actually has at least one part of brain that isn't all Edward, all the time. It's like he took every problem I had with this book in chapter one and solved about eighty percent of them with a hand tied behind his back, which leaves me to believe that as soon as we get back to focus on Edward and Bella it's going to be an uphill battle again.

Soon enough, Carlisle is all done playing doctor, and Edward shows up just in time to say that he'll take Bella home once she cleans up and changes, because while Charlie is not hungry for Bella's blood, the sight of so much of it will probably cause him to go ballistic as well. Edward, Bella, and Jasper are all upset over this situation and all think that it's their fault. While I expect this to take some sort of ludicrous proportions, I can understand that because it's a pretty typical response, and had I had some part in the disaster I'd probably be thinking it's my fault too. After all that's done and Bella gathers her other presents, its time to go home.

Almost immediately my prediction comes true, as Edward and Bella's moodiness triggers a stupid fight that gets capped with Bella saying that she'd rather die than be with Mike Newton or anyone but Edward, whom I'm going to guess is one of the more important bit players because in the exchange they never just call him Mike, but Mike Newton. Unless maybe there's a bunch of Mikes in this story like there are in real life. Who knows? At least Mike Newton kinda rolls off the tongue well like most names in good books do. They even throw in more birthday-related bitching from Bella, which is just about as fun of a read as it was last chapter, though now Bella uses it to convince Edward to visit her later that night so that he's not off wallowing by himself. It also seems to cheer Bella up, though at this point I don't think I'm very surprised.

Remember, a vampire is also defined as a woman who exploits and ruins her lover.

Anyhow, Bella comes home and after a brief exchange of pleasantries with Charlie and explaining that her bandaged arm was due to a trip and fall, Bella changes into her pajamas and comes to her room to find a stranger going through her things and trying on her clothes ... wait, no, it's just Edward sitting on the bed and playing with a box. Finally we get to discover the rest of Bella's birthday haul. From Carlisle and Esme, plane tickets for Edward and Bella to Jacksonville. Since Bella mentions that Renee, her mother, is going to flip, I'm assuming Jacksonville is where she lives. Another thing I forgot to cover: Renee and Charlie are divorced, and after Renee married a minor league baseball player, Bella decided to move to Forks so that Renee could be free to travel with her new husband, Didn't think the players' wives went with them on the road, but again, what the hell does J.K. Mo know?

The present from Edward turns out to be a CD of music composed by him. So in addition to all his other strengths, I guess one of his Vampire Superpowers is musical talent. At least according to his Wiki page, his tastes in music are similar to mine, though unlike me and like 75% of everyone else I know, he dislikes country. Obviously this gift hits the jackpot with Bella, since the first song she recognizes was a lullaby written for her. Dunno whether to call this thoughtful or cliche, since it fits in both categories, but I'll err to the former because it's not like Edward did it in order to try and score. In fact, it's very much the opposite, to Bella's chagrin, because it becomes quickly apparent that if she had her way, they'd have gotten past first base by now. Perhaps -this- is why this is considered a "breathtaking romance", in that the typical gender roles are reversed. Rather than Edward trying to seduce Bella while Bella maintains dignity and chastity for whatever reason, its the other way around. Or maybe it's because Edward and Bella are always sneaking in alone time and then not getting anywhere past first base, with Bella making it very clear that it's because Edward has rules for himself.

In any case, what makes this a bit different from the other times that Bella has snuck Edward into her room at night is that Edward actually relaxes his inhibitions just slightly, as Bella notes that she's crossing his caution lines and he's not stopping her. I dunno ... call it attempting to stretch a double but thinking better of it and holding on first, as before much else happens, Edward stops, apologizes, and says he was out of line. The chapter closes with a bit of foreshadowing, as Bella is reminded of the kiss she and Edward shared before he left to throw the tracker vampire James off of her trail, not knowing if they'd ever see each other again.

It's almost laughably easy to predict what's going to happen next, and since I've seen the trailers I kinda know what it is, so the ending is less "foreshadowing" and more "forekicking in the head," and it's not reassuring to know that in the end Bella and Edward were still being a couple of melodramatic gobshytes. However, I'm sure I've made it as plain as a fifty-cent hamburger that the big saving grace of this chapter is Carlisle. Singlehandedly he humanized himself, Edward, and Bella, which allowed Bella and Edward to demonstrate that there's more to them than fawning over each other, and that Twilightverse vampires are more than just impossible looks, sparkles, and superpowers. Personally I think they could have split this chapter in two, with the next chapter beginning after Edward and Bella depart, but clearly the Master of tl;dr Disaster should hire an editor before he complains about how Stephenie Meyer's editors work.

 

RATING: GOOD!
Edward's awesome musical talent is no match against Carlisle's show-stealing ability to be in possession of the good sense that only a few centuries can grant,. Unlike last time, stuff actually happens and moves forward. Bella and Edward might not be better characters, but at least now I can hope for the possibility that they'll evolve. They might not be standing on their own two feet, but at least now I can be reasonably convinced that they have feet, and I'd better be because I know Carlisle can't carry this book forever.

 

COMING NEXT SCENE: I tried so hard, and got so far, but in the end, it doesn't even matter.