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[personal profile] jkmoreno
The last week or so has been a real whirlwind of activity for me. Lots of places to go, people to see, and even a few very exciting things which I will talk about a bit more later on. On top of all that, I turned 28.

As I'm sure at least one person knows, I generally am not enthusiastic about my birthday because, at various times, I dislike either a) getting old, or b) being old. This year, neither of those dislikes were really at the forefront, except for some jokes here and there when I felt like playing the cranky curmudgeon. However, as can probably be evidenced by some of my recent blogging, I've been a lot more introspective this year than I used to. Specifically, I've done a lot of looking back to that fateful time of the two years spanning my last year at De Anza, and my first year at Red Robin, the middle of which saw what Beth referred to (in regards to her own situation) as a great divide. I refer to it as such because mine dovetailed with hers, and it's no secret that she was a major cause of it.

The me of now is vastly, vastly different from the me of then. If one were to look back at my blogging of the period, they might see someone of extreme temperament. Someone who was either very very happy, very very angry, or very very depressed. They might see someone who placed an inordinate amount of importance on getting a girlfriend. They might see someone who could wax high amounts of eloquence yet say the same thing constantly.

So basically, they might see a smarter version of Chris-chan (WARNING: link NSFW due to language and imagery, follow at your own risk), with emotional disorders instead of mental.

Those are things that I see as well, but I also see things that I wish I had again. I also see the confidence that could only come from ignorance or self-centeredness. I also see points where I could legitimately say "I'm happy" even aside from the obvious points that were related to Beth. I also see more points where I did things I enjoyed, particularly music, because I enjoyed them. I even see times where I was blissfully optimistic about my job at Red Robin, and that is something I especially wish I could reclaim. Most of all, though, I see someone who never really loathed or hated himself.

That last part is interesting, because many times I had been given the advice of needing to love myself before anyone else could love me. Maybe I just came across as self-hating, but I never was then. Granted, that was because back then I blamed all my problems on other people, so naturally I never hated myself. I think the more accurate advice that I should have been given was that I needed to tolerate myself, because that was something I never did much of. Perhaps the intolerance of my situation was mistaken for self-hate. I could see why that was. Even now, on occasion I get the advice to love myself, albeit only from one person whose opinion matters to me, and a few others who don't know what the hell they're talking about.

I digress. At this point in time I smile at how some things changed, but other things stayed the same. Six years ago, I thought nothing of telling the world about my emotional turmoil and how much I was hurting, while now ... well, the fact my blogging almost completely disappeared over the last few years says something. I felt completely alone most of the time back then, while nowadays I'm very secure in the friendships I have. I was an emotional wreck in the past, while now I feel that the wreck has cooled into a sort of pessimistic apathy towards life and work. I'm disillusioned by the things I used to be optimistic about, and I don't derive the same enjoyment from music and video games that I once did (which is not to say that I don't enjoy them, but they aren't among the primary aspects of my life anymore).

And yet ... just as it was then, I derive a lot of my enjoyment from simply making people, particularly women, smile, I'm still an incorrigible flirt, still motivated by purposes beyond money and possessions ... and just as I considered meeting Beth online in 2003 and in person in 2004 to be greatest things to happen to me in those years, I consider meeting my current girlfriend, Breanna, and her asking me to be her boyfriend, to be the highlight of my 2010. At least so far, since there's still a couple of months left.

Now I'm planning to try and maximize the potential of these newfound changes, especially this newfound social life. Not in a way to make money, obviously, but just to try and convince me to keep this socializing thing up, have a project for National Blog Posting Month, and perhaps make new friends and reconnect with old ones.

When midnight happens and November begins ...

The Hundredaire Socialite will get ready to storm the scene!
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May 2012

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